-- 22/06/01 18:48 PM by >> bz
I am sooo sick of this rut I am in, creatively and socially speaking.
I've thought about it long and hard and I really believe the main reason for
this grand funk I am in is the fact that I live in an alarm clock. The
constant electric hum of the motor and the sanity draining clicking of the
second hand rattles my brain and drives away any guests I have within
minutes. Its simply impossible to concentrate on my novel, I've only
written one chapter in 6 months. Since people won't come over to party I
always wind up going out to the bar and its getting pretty damn expensive.
Well today I resolved to solve my problem instead of just whining about it
as usual, so tomorrow its out apartment hunting! I'm excited about getting
out of here but a little nervous as well.
Well the bad news is that I think I might have to shoot my feet to put
them out of their misery from all the walking around I did today but the
good news is that I think I just might have found the ultimate most
perfectist place to live!!! And the funny thing is that I found it on my
way home after giving up the search for the day. In fact I can see the new
place from my old place!! You'll never guess where it is either so I'll
just blurt it out--- it's the Lava Lamp on the dresser!!! It's soo quiet
and it has an awesome 360 degree view and its also very colorful, I just
can't wait to move in!! I'm going to spend the rest of the night packing
and tomorrow I should be all settled in. This is just way too exciting and
once I get settled in I'm going to throw the wildest bash to beat all bashes!!
My first night in the new place… I am really tired from moving all my
crap, but you know it's a good kind of tired. I'm really happy with the new
place but it does seem a bit damp in here, I didn't really notice that while
I was walking through it yesterday. Oh well, no big deal, its just so quiet
here, so very very quiet, unbelievably quiet, I really can't get enough of
how quiet it is. I think I'm going to be awesomely happy here!
I spent most of today unpacking and arranging all my furniture just so, I
must have tried out at least 10 different arrangements. Being in one large
round room does have its interior decorating challenges and its been damn
hard for me to pound any nails in the glass wall so hanging pictures or
shelves is right out. Good thing for my big bookcases, they serve to cut
into and contrast nicely with all the roundness to add some squared off
edges. I think tomorrow I'll just go to the hardware store and get some
suction cup hangers and I'll be all set. The place is really starting to
feel like my own. I'm going to turn on the main light now and do some
reading in bed, probably fall asleep before I get through more than two
pages but no matter, I deserve a good nights sleep!!
OOOHHH GOD NOOOOOO NOOOO ITS SO DAMN HOT THE FLOOR IS ALL SOFT AND MOLTEN
GOOD LORD GOD NOOO EVERYTHINGS FLOATING AROUND AND KEEPS FLOATING UP TO THE
CEILING THEN BACK DOWN AGAIN MY SKIN FEELS LIKE ITS ON FIRE THERES A HUGE
BURNING GLOB OF WAX ON MY FACE PLEASE SOMEHOW GET ME OUT OF THIS HELLL ON
EARTH I MUST HAVE DIED IN MY SLEEP AND GONE TO HELLL NOOOOOOOOOO THE HORROR
THE HORROR THE HORROR
-- 19/06/01 23:08 PM by >> bz
it seems there are aliens living in my woodshed, I know they were there
yesterday and it looks like they were there this morning
sheds of wood
-- 15/06/01 21:32 PM by >> bz
"What's with the red light?", she taps her finger against the naked bulb.
The shadows in the room sway.
"I'm using it as a conditioning device."
"Conditioning for what?"
He switches on the flourescents, "It's not your problem. So what do you
have for me?"
The woman pulls a small paper bag from her back pocket and puts it
carefully on the table, "It's not the best but it'll do you."
"That's fine. How much?"
He hands her a 20 and walks into the kitchen. A dog appears from under the
table and follows him.
"What's wrong with your cat?"
"It's a dog", he calls from the kitchen.
"What's wrong with your dog?"
He comes back with a metallic pipe, washing out part of it with a rag.
"It's dying", he says, "Some sort of shrinkage. It's a German shepherd, you
She lights a cigarette, "Can't tell by the look of it."
"Well only the body shrinks. The hair remains the same."
"How long before it dies?"
He looks at his watch, "Any minute now."
They stare at the unknowing animal in silence.
-- 10/06/01 5:44 PM by >> bz
The female anglerfish is six times larger than her mate.
The male anchors himself to the top of her head and stays
there for the rest of his life. They literally become one.
Their digestive and circulatory systems are merged.
Except for two very large generative organs and a few fins,
nothing remains of the male.
-- 07/06/01 23:51 PM by >> bz
...I went to the grocery store to get a couple of cans of dog food.
So I asked the clerk behind the counter
for two cans.
"Do you have a dog?" asked the clerk.
"Yes, I do!" replied the puzzled me.
"I'm sorry sir" said the clerk "but you're going to have to prove to
me that you have a dog before I can sell you dog food."
I took particular offense to her calling me sir, but anyway,
back home went the frustrated me to get my dog to pull
all the way back to the store.
"Here's my dog!" wheezed the tired me.
"Thank you sir, here is your two cans of dog food."
Two days later I returned to the same store (it's the closest one,
give me a break) and went up to the
same clerk and said:
"Two cans of cat food please."
"Do you have a cat sir?"
"Of course I do!" said the exasperated me.
"I'm sorry sir but I have to see your cat before I can sell you cat
So I stormed out of the store, I couldn't believe he had the nerve to
call me sir, again. Anyway I went home, grabbed the cat, draged it
back to the store and held it up by it's tail for the clerk to see. (I figured being
mean to the cat would make me look tough, so maybe then he'd stop messin' with me)
"Thank you sir," he says, "here is your two cans of cat food."
Well I'm not a mean guy, but I figured, if someone's gonna mess with me
like that, then they're fair game. So the very next day, I returned to the
store, approached the clerk and placed on the counter a white shoe box
with a small hole on the cover.
"Yes sir", asked the clerk, "what can I do for you?"
"Put your finger in the hole" ordered I.
"I beg your pardon?" said the clerk
"Do as I say!" I demanded.
The clerk, shaking a bit, slid his finger all the way in the hole.
"Pull it out and tell me what it looks like!" said I.
" It looks like S H I T said the disgusted clerk; to which I
"THAT'S RIGHT !!, Now give me two rolls of toilet paper!"
I've been back there several times, and not once has he called me
vote - toke
-- 29/05/01 19:50 PM by >> bz
If you find yourself asking any of the following questions, then you are in serious need of
some sort of assistance.
1. Who am I?
2. Is this the name of God?
3. Is this still a gun?
4. Where is mother?
5. Why can't I remember?
6. Am I the one that's mad?
7. Didn't I just kill you?
8. Is this the real world?
9. Are we still playing the game?
10. Am I already dead?
This has been pubic (that's not a typo) announcement brought to you in full by
vote - toke
-- 23/05/01 14:51 PM by >> bz
One day I went to buy a tooth brush. I walked to the local supermarkets and headed
for the toothbrush aisle, and found tooth brushes by
three different manufacturers. I chose the one whose tooth paste I also use.
But it wasn't over yet, oh no. There were two models provided by this
manufacturer, called "Professional" and "Contact". No what the hell do
those mean?! Does professional mean I have to be a professional to use it,
or that it is good enough for professional use, or is the name just a
stupid sales ploy to sell stuff which had a cool name? And what about
Contact then? Does it mean that Professional has no contact to the teeth,
or that Contact has better contact, or that it's just another stupid name?
And to make things even more complicated, there was a completely seperate rack for
Professional, while the others shared a rack; but there were Professionals
at the common rack, too.
And what about hardness then? There were four types of Professional : extra
soft, soft, medium and hard. The extra soft ones were available only on the
Professionals own rack. But there only were two types of Contact : soft and
medium. Now, does this mean that they have a different scale? Why no hards
of extra softs of Contact? Are they so good that they have been sold out,
or are they so bad that they have never been ordered in?
Contacts cost almost twice as much as Professionals. Does this mean it is
twice as good, or just twice as expensive to manufacture? On the
Professional's package was the word "New", and on the Contact's there
wasn't. Does this mean that Professional is easier to manufacture now or
just stripped of the expensive parts?
Of course, I had to choose color, too. Well, that was easy. I will NOT buy
a pink tooth brush, and they were mostly white, just some parts had
Well, I ended up choosing blue medium Professional. It only took 10
minutes. Lucky I wasn't buying socks.
more clean teeth
-- 14/05/01 16:37 PM by >> bz
To all readers of Buzman.org:
Please excuse my last post. I was sitting at my workstation,
reading the news, when I heard a loud metallic crash coming from the datacenter. Now,
I am used to hearing strange sounds from the datacenter, but something about this
noise was different. I ran into the server room and found the monkeys running
everywhere. One in particular caught my attention. He was sitting on the
mailserver and intently pouring bottles of beer from the party last Friday
down the ventilation system! When I reached to
stop him, he jumped up and ran away. I had to chase him for an hour before
I caught him. Well, it turns out he was a distraction. While I was
chasing this one monkey, the other 999 were infiltrating the developer's
room. By the time I had them rounded up, they had posted that last
message, and written several obscenities regarding Penguins and Devils.
I sincerely appologize to my readers as such a surreal, and off the cuff post is highly unusual
for buzman.org. So the following photo set is to encourage those people who may have been
scared off by the monkies to enjoy the good wholsome, down-to-earth fun provided at
-- 12/05/01 8:12 PM by >> bz
I am writing to lodge a formal complaint regarding the penguins you provided. When I placed my order
with your company and took you up on your seemingly generous "free penguin!" offer I most certainly
did not envisage anything like the chaos that has ensued. In fact, I would go so far as so accuse
you of blatantly false and misleading advertising. To be specific:
- You advertised *a* 'free penguin'. While I have not yet managed to complete an accurate count of
the number of penguins that arrived at this address, I estimate there to be not less than 70,000,
and probably significantly more.
- *Nowhere* in your literature or instruction manuals did you mention that all the penguins would
be potheads and prone to raiding my stash at every opportunity. I also assumed, and I think it was
a very reasonable assumption to make, that the penguin(s) in question would be *proper*penguin*colour*
rather than psychadelic. Do you have any idea how this impacts on the interior design? I have to
wear sunglasses in my own living room!
- When I checked the box to specify I required an English penguin, I expected said penguin would
*speak* english. While it is true that two or three of them do, several speak french, around 11,000
speak urdu, polish, and/or japanese, and I am not able to ascertain the native language of the
remainder as half of them seem to be communicating in some sort of code, and the rest will only
- You stated that the penguin(s) would be "unobtrusive and easy to care for. Integrating into your
life seamlessly, they will enrich your household". Well I'm sorry, but I have to say I do not believe
these penguins have "enriched my household" in the slightest! They lounge around all over the place
speaking gibberish, are constantly making long distance phonecalls (my last phone bill was
approximately two to the power of the American defence budget), they wreck the kitchen every night
when they have the munchies at 2am, they stampede at my friends and knock them over, and they are
constantly escaping and wreaking havoc in the neighborhood, causing me to have to spend hours
rounding them up.
In view of the above, I demand that you:
Remove all the penguins from this address within 48 hours, and
Provide me with between 1 and 27 proper-penguin-colour (ie monochrome), english-speaking,
non-druggie, well-mannered replacement penguins. If you do not have these in stock then I
am prepared to accept a non-penguin-based free gift of an equivalent or greater value.
If you fail to take any action concerning these penguins then please be aware that I shall
be contacting my lawyers with a view to taking further action on this matter.
-- 09/05/01 8:12 PM by >> bz
I like ganja,
It makes me wanna manga,
All sorts of wonderful things.
Like chocolate bars,
And naked stars,
And a feast that's fit for a king.
A vanella shake,
And a camel toe or two.
There ain't a treat,
That I wont eat,
Unless the treat is poo.
Ok, I'm sorry 'bout the poem....I know it sucked....but I'm tellin' ya, I'm not a shit eater.
Nor a shit eaters son. But I will fuck shit eaters, as long as I cum.
-- 01/05/01 16:29 PM by >> bz
Jules the Short Sighted Penguin
Could never see very far ahead of him.
As a result he found his black blue too often.
His teachers at school thought that,
"Mommy Penguin or Daddy Penguin
were just being bad parents."
But really, Jules was just clumsy.
His sorry eyesight required him to wear
large, shiny glasses.
But, because penguins have no ears,
the doctors at Penguin Hospital had to
grow some on thebacks of some labrats and
surgically attach them to the sides of
Now, not only was he half-blind,
he was the only penguin with ears.
No-one else understood why that scene
from "Resevior Dogs" scared Jules
Either way, Jules was able to see properly
for the first time. But, unfortunatly
his gawky clumsiness was further ingrained
in him now that his sight problems were fixed. He was
still very clumsy.
His parents tried to help him,
but it was to no avail.
The inevitable happed, one day Jules
was crossing a road,
he was not as mindful of the cars as he
should have been. Poor, dumb, stupid
You know that new pretty pink lipstick
you bought yesterday? Funny how it was
on sale, seeing as how they're having
a whale blubber shortage at the moment,
....don't you think.
-- 27/04/01 14:29 PM by >> bz
Top 10 times in history that the "F" word was appropriate:
10) "What the FUCK was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima, August 1945
9) "Where did all these FUCKing Indians come from?" -- Custer
8) "Any FUCKing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein
7) "It does SO FUCKing look like her!" -- Picasso
6) "How the FUCK did you work that out?" -- Pythagorus
5) "You want WHAT on the FUCKing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo
4) "I don't suppose it's gonna FUCKing rain." -- Joan of Arc
3) "I need this parade like I need a FUCKing hole in my head!" --JFK
2) "Scattered FUCKing showers...my ass!" -- Noah
1) "How the FUCK did they do that?!" -- New Jersey Devils regarding The Leafs
GO LEAFS GO!
-- 25/04/01 15:29 PM by >> bz
Its just easier to think of yourself as being at exactly (0, 0, 0,
((0))...) by definition.
Easier than constantly checking against an impossibly Absolute Frame of
Reference, (341.53, 9.124, -0.0000168, ...)
So don't be too judgemental about the self-centered people they just weren't good at math.